choose love not fear

This last year has had to have been the best/worse year I had in a very long time. I turned 30, I lost my dream job when the local company I worked for closed, ended up on EI, I met and fell for a stranger who presented me with my dream life.... something my parents didn't really buy into... which in turn led to a year of me trying to live my dream of being true to myself while some of the parental units squirmed and judged my choices. Luckily half of my family was able to accept my choices early on and could see how the pieces all fit together. Thank God! When someone you've know your whole life doesn't trust your decisions it make you question yourself - which can stir up many a silly insecurity, certainly not healthy at all.

Now if I could remove that small bundle of negative energy from my tally, I'd be left with the best year of my life. Bryan understands me like he's known me forever, and me him. Without him I would have never been able to make it through this crazy time and discover that there's no reason to be afraid, that I can have whatever I want - I am the one in control. I've always been so full of ideas and this last year gave me the opportunity to act on as many as possible. Each time I take a step in the right direction I've been rewarded. I feel blessed in a lot of ways...

...but at the same time I'm incredibly saddened by the idea that someone I love so much can be so caught up in an illusion and truly believe that the falsehood they've created is true and think that it is I who am living in a dream and can't possibly be happy. I have to assume it comes from a life long of disappointment and general lack of hope or faith. Your whole world starts in your head, and you need a happy heart and head to make the best of this place. These days my head and heart are happiest when I'm at home with Bryan, living our life together as a team, I couldn't ask for a better partner in this game.

This last period has made me realize just how freaking strong I really am... and that I've got a monsterously huge bundle of emotion in there so ready to bust - and I want it to flow out nothing but love. Now wouldn't that be nice?

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